Changeling Memories
by Pasha Pasha
Summary: A series of chapters about Zam Wesell's life, starting from her childhood. Zam/Jango in later chapters.
1. Monsters and Angels

I remember the times when I was younger.

The same group of Zolan children always passed my street on their way to school. We weren't allowed to talk to them. We weren't allowed to be seen by them.

Our abominable presence would corrupt them.

I always wanted to meet them, though. I used to think that maybe they'd be different. Maybe they'd be my friends. It was stupid, wishful thinking. All of the propaganda around me told me that the Zolans were the angelic ones, while we Clawdites were the sinners. I wanted so badly for them to accept me as one of them. I wanted to be perfect like them.

One day, I snuck out of the house and waited for them to pass by. I saw them walking towards me, talking and laughing amongst themselves. When they saw me, they all froze. I walked forward nervously. They all took a collective step back.

"_Scirsil!" _One of them cried. I didn't understand what they were saying. I raised an open hand slowly, as if trying to prove I meant no harm. There was a flurry of movement as one of the boys of the group grabbed a sharp piece of scrap metal from the ground. His friends all gathered behind him, muttering fearfully.

I was confused. Why did they act like this? "What are you doing?" I asked in my native Clawdite dialect, "I mean no harm!" If they understood, they didn't show it. The Zolan children were repeating something to their friend with the scrap metal, as if they were encouraging him to do something. Their voices rose in unison and I heard what they were saying, "_Valsh sen scirsil! Valsh sen scirsil!"_

I didn't understand their language and I doubted they understood mine any better. "Please!" I said, "Just try and understand! I only want to talk." I took a step towards them and the moment my foot landed, I knew I had made a mistake. All of their eyes snapped up to mine and I could clearly see fear, surprise, and confusingly enough, virtuous rage lighting their irises. The first boy took aim and threw the piece of scrap metal in his hands straight at me. I just barely dodged it. I should've run at that point, but I was young. Young and stupid. I remained fixed to the spot, staring incredulously at the boy who had thrown it. I was confused. They were supposed to be angelic. Honorable. Superior.

The group's chanting had grown to yelling, the phrase "_Valsh sen scirsil!"_ repeated like a way cry. The rest of the children began grabbing scrap metal, wood, whatever they could find and gathered it in their arms. I had enough sense to give up on my diplomatic mission and run in the opposite direction. The children gave chase, yelling and throwing what they had gathered; shattered glass, rusted metal, garbage. All of it was thrown straight at me as I ran through the familiar streets, trying to lose them in the twisting alleys. Occasionally, I'd feel one of their projectiles hit me. Bruises, cuts… I could deal with those easily enough. I was lucky nothing really dangerous hit me.

It might've been something on the ground or it could've been something they threw, but at some point, I fell. One second I was running and the next I was on the ground with the breath knocked out of me. My pursuers stopped a few meters away. Even though they had seemed content to chase me through the streets, they seemed at a loss when I wasn't running, even if it was because I had fallen. None of them took a step closer.

Slowly, I turned to look at them. They must have been emboldened by the fear they saw in my eyes because one of the girls took a step forward. I flinched and they all laughed. They all took a collective step towards me and I leapt to my feet and began running away. I expected them to start chasing me again, but instead they stood while I ran. I could hear them laughing as I fled.

When I got home, I snuck back into my room and lay on my cot, burying myself under the thin sheets. I told my mother that I was too sick to do chores. She seemed to sense that I was upset and didn't question it. Somehow, in that weird, pseudo-psychic way that mothers have, she seemed to know what had happened, or at least, had the general idea. Later, I asked her what the phrase "_valsh sen scirsil" _meant. She had given me a sad, but stern look, as if what she was about to say was something that I had to learn. "It means '_slay the monster._'" She told me.

A monster. That is what the world thought I was. That is what the angels thought I was. Yet, I knew that I wasn't. I remembered the Zolan children, how they had chased me, how they had tried their hardest to hurt me, how they had laughed at my pain. No matter what they thought, no matter what the world thought, I knew who the real monsters were.


	2. Pick a Side

I joined the Mabari order when I was still an adolescent. I know it sounds crazy. After all, it was the Mabari religion caused the oppression of Clawdites in the first place. Why would a Clawdite like me ever decide to join? Because I knew it was the only way out. In the Mabari order, I could learn combat and hone my skills of deceit and eventually, I knew I could work my way off of this Force-forsaken planet.

Naturally, this religion rarely allowed Clawdites as converts, so getting in required a good deal of lying. At least it wasn't hard blending in as a Zolan. Clawdites and Zolans are virtually identical, so I didn't even need to shape-shift. All I had to do was use a different name and act natural. It was that easy. At least, for the first few years it was. All of my lies seemed to fall together so perfectly back then.

During my beginning years in the order, I learned the basics of combat, the tenets of Mabari life, and I even became friendly with some of the other young recruits. I avoided those who were too outspoken of their hatred for Clawdites. I gravitated towards the more quiet, relatively peaceful ones who had actually joined because they believed they would be helping people. I figured that if they ever did find out that I was a Clawdite, they would be less likely to report me.

The trouble started in my teen years. That's when the war started. I know that sounds dramatic, but war wasn't unusual on Zolan. A war there was just a conflict that couldn't be solved in one battle. With the tensions between Zolans and Clawdites constantly on the rise, the planet was more often in a state of war than in one of peace. This one, however, was more volatile than any ones in recent memory. Battles were bloodier and increasingly frequent. Sometimes, I'd be expected to join the knights in battle against the Clawdites, but I always had some sort of an excuse to sit it out. It was a cowardly thing to do, to hide when your people were out there dying and I still have no excuse for my behavior.

Eventually, I gathered up enough courage to at least indirectly help my people. I started taking bounty-hunting jobs on criminals. I used what combat I had learned during my years to subdue my quarry. The other members of the Mabari order disapproved of my actions, but they didn't stop me. Whenever they questioned me about it, I told them I was a 'progressive.' Secretly, I was sending most of my pay to the Clawdite resistance to help them fund their part in the war. The rest, I saved as a way to get me off of the planet if I ever got my chance. None of the Mabari, not even those I considered my friends knew what I was doing.

Living this way wasn't easy. I'd hear of casualties on both sides of the war and I'd feel guilty for all of them. If it was a Clawdite that died, I always felt I'd let them down by working with the enemy. If it was a friendly Zolan that died, I'd feel that I had been responsible by helping the people they'd been fighting. I would've given anything for that war to end. It felt there was no way out for me.

A couple of years into the war, I was called to service for the side of the Zolans. I tried giving them the usual excuses, but they wouldn't take it. Reinforcements had been dwindling on both sides and everybody was desperate for new troops. I screamed, fought, and begged, but nobody paid any attention to my protests. I was given a blaster and dropped into the battlefield with the others, most of them battle-dodgers like me, who had tried to escape fighting in the war before being drafted.

The battlefield was a scene of utter chaos. Both sides were inexperienced and frightened. Blaster-fire filled the air and people fell on both sides. I stood to the side, clutching my blaster tightly, but as the battle wore on, I knew I had to pick a side. No matter what I had come to think of the Zolans, I knew that my true side was with my people. The Zolans were too shocked to react when I turned on them. People I had learned to trust, people who had come to trust me, I killed with learned precision. Because of me, the battle was a victory for the Clawdites. My people welcomed me back as a hero. The Zolans condemned me as a heartless murderer.

Everybody knew I couldn't stay. If I did, the Zolans would spare no expense in hunting me down. They wouldn't care who got in their way. They never did. Using the credits I had saved from my bounty-hunting jobs, I bought my way off the planet and escaped to Denon. I continued my job as a bounty hunter and assassin there. I killed countless people. Still, the only time I feel remorse for those I've killed is when I remember those who I betrayed in the war. The people I killed weren't just enemy soldiers. They were friends. They were just unfortunate enough to end up being friends with me. They didn't deserve their fate. May they rest in peace.


	3. On To The Next Life

**((Well, this took forever. Sorry for the long wait! Summer jobs are time eaters. Plus, I found this chapter quite hard to write, seeing as I'm a diehard Jango/Zam shipper and this is like heresy for me. But hey, I finally finished it, which is good news for everybody, right?**

**By the way, do you know what's awesome? Having your computer read your fanfiction allowed. Nothing is funnier than having a monotonous voice mispronounce it's way through an emotional scene. Hil-ar-ious.))**

* * *

Denon was a surprisingly good place for an assassin like me. The place was an urban jungle, full of employment opportunities and useful contacts. In many ways, it was like the fabled Coruscant, covered in cities where all sorts of crime and intrigue transpired, but with the added benefit of a less developed security force. It was nearly an ideal place for me to find myself in.

After my first few jobs, it wasn't long before I was in high-demand among those who wanted a discreet way to dispose of their enemies. My ability to shape-shift meant I was virtually untraceable and my proficiency with weapons as well as hand-to-hand combat made me a versatile investment. Also adding to my growing notoriety was the fact that Clawdite changelings were seen as valued rarities among the bounty-hunting community. I found that employers were willing to pay much higher fees if they knew that I was a Clawdite. What had once caused me so much misery on my home-planet, now lined my pockets with credits. It was a new life, one that was much different, almost frighteningly so, from the one I had lived before.

I still sent most of my money back to Zolan to help fund the Clawdite resistance. Sometimes, if I had just scored a particularly large paycheck, I'd treat myself to a night out. On these occasions, it was difficult to tell me from any of the other young adults who lived their mundane, happy lives amongst the urban sprawl. I'd go to theatres, clubs, bars, and diners, just enjoying myself amongst the city lights.

It was on one of these occasions that I met another one of my species. It was an accident really, one that almost ended with disaster. I was in a bar, walking around, just trying to get a feel for the place. I was too busy staring at the garish décor to watch where I was going and I ran straight into another distracted patron. I stumbled backwards, apologizing as I looked up. I got a nasty surprise when I found myself looking into a face that I was almost certain was Zolan. After all, Zolans were much more common off-world than Clawdites and I assumed that since he wasn't disguised, he wasn't Clawdite. I thought for certain that somebody had finally seen through my human disguise and that he was some sort of Zolan bounty-hunter or enforcer sent to bring me to justice. I was reaching for my concealed blaster when he suddenly laughed and politely returned the apology. He introduced himself as Syln and, surprisingly enough, offered to buy me a drink. I was confused and suspicious, but I thought that declining might just make things worse. I reluctantly accepted the offer and we both seated ourselves at the bar, with me never taking my eyes off of him.

I voiced my concerns rather bluntly, "You're a Zolan, aren't you?" I asked, watching him for any sign of hostility.

"No," He replied, giving me a slight smile, "Actually, I'm a Clawdite."

I hesitantly returned the smile, "Well, if you are one, I'm sure you'll understand why I'd feel better if you had some proof."

"Of course." He said courteously and held his hand out for me to see. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and slowly, his fingers became more slender and the skin changed consistency and color until it resembled that of a human's. He exhaled and his hand slowly returned to its natural shape. He looked up at me with a reassuring smile, "See? I'm a Clawdite. I'm assuming you're one as well?"

I breathed a silent sigh of relief, "Yes, I am."

And I guess that's how everything started. He told me about how his father and pregnant mother had escaped Zolan together and how he had been born on Denon. He had never actually been to Zolan, but had a number of contacts on the planet that gave him updates about the state of things there. I was fascinated. While I had only recently gained my freedom from the oppressive planet, Syln had lived his whole life separated from its despair and bloodshed.

Of course, he wanted to know about me as much as I wanted to know about him. I lied and told him my story was similar to his and that I was taken from the planet along with my parents when I was too young to remember. I didn't tell him that I was a trained assassin or that I was responsible for one of the most infamous betrayals in Zolan's history. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the only accurate information I gave him was my comm number.

One meeting lead to another and before I knew it, I was spending every free day I had with him. There was something so appealing about him. He was reliable, trustworthy, and most importantly, he made me feel safe. Even when I was away, working as an assassin on some dangerous and unpredictable job, I always knew he'd be there when I got back, constant and devoted. There was so much he didn't know about me, but that didn't even seem to matter. It felt like nothing could go wrong when he was there.

We went from friends to best friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a steady, secure relationship. He told me about his family, his feelings, how he'd do anything for a non-violent resolution to the war on Zolan. I listened, but I rarely told him anything about myself and he accepted this. He didn't seem to mind that my past was not something I wanted to talk about. Occasionally, he'd give me little prompts, like telling me that he'd still love me no matter what happened in my past, but I just kept giving him the usual lies. It was for his own protection. I really did love him. There were just some things better left unsaid.

Balancing my secret life as an assassin and my relationship with Syln became more difficult after I moved in with him, and even more so after I learned I was pregnant. I obviously couldn't go on any more missions or even shape shift in this state, but I couldn't tell my employers why. There were a number of rumors about my disappearance, some of them dangerous, but I couldn't be bothered with them. I couldn't believe that I was going to be a mother. It was a scary, overwhelming, and wonderful thought. Syln was ecstatic when I told him. He hugged me and told me we were going to be a great family.

Pregnancy and my inability to shape-shift confined me to the indoors. Syln kept me company for most of the time. He talked a lot about the news from Zolan. The war had been going on and off for the last few years with both sides pulling back as they ran out of resources, but starting the ordeal up again once they felt they had sufficient assets. Syln felt that there was a way to end the war diplomatically. I had my doubts.

"I'm sure the Zolans would be open to reason. We just need some sort of ambassador." Syln said.

I smiled at his naivety, "There's been conflict between the Zolans and the Clawdites for hundreds of years." I pointed out, "I'm pretty sure somebody's tried that before.

"Well, we just need to wait for a better opportunity than our ancestors had." Syln replied, "We actually had a good chance a few years ago. Do you remember hearing about that one Clawdite girl who masqueraded as a Zolan in the Mabari order? She would've been the perfect bridge between our people!" He sighed, "Too bad she ended up being just another warmonger. She killed the Zolans she was fighting with and ran back to the Clawdite side afterwards." A disgusted look crossed his face, "All she did was make the Zolans even more determined to oppress our people."

I shrugged and looked away, not wanting him to read my emotions. His words brought back memories I didn't care to remember, but I couldn't let him know I was the 'warmonger' he was talking about. I knew that not all Clawdites thought my actions to be honorable, but it still hurt coming from him. I tried pushing the thoughts from my mind.

Seven months after I learned I was pregnant, my daughter was born. It was a marvel to hold her in my hands, to feel her breathing softly in my arms. We named her Sone, the Clawdite word for 'star.' I was amazed that something so delicate and innocent could even survive to adulthood in a galaxy like this. I would've given my life to protect her from the evils that I had to face in my childhood.

I stayed out of the assassination business for a while. I knew that I couldn't do something so risky while I was raising a child. Syln found work at an office building, where he made a reasonable amount of money, enough to support our small family. I realized that I could've just quit the entire business of bounty hunting and assassination right then and there and try to live a normal life if I wanted to. Even though it seemed like a rather stifling existence, it was safer for me and therefore, my daughter.

I was actually considering going through with it when Syln rushed through the door, an excited and breathless look on his face.

"What's going on?" I asked, "You look like you just won the lottery."

"No, better!" Syln exclaimed, "Haven't you heard? The war on Zolan is over! They've called a truce!"

"That's great." I said, trying to sound enthusiastic. I knew that the end of war on Zolan just meant there'd be a small break before another one broke out.

"This is the perfect time to start building the relationship between the Zolans and our people!" Syln continued animatedly, "I know some Clawdites who have been wanting to try a more diplomatic approach to the problem. If we join forces, we could change the course of Zolan forever!"

I was starting to get a little bit nervous at his revolutionary talk, "What exactly are you suggesting, Syln?" I asked.

"We're going to Zolan. All of us." He said, "We could be part of the effort to build a diplomatic relationship between our people."

I looked at him incredulously, "Are you insane? We can't go to Zolan!"

"Why not?" He asked, "This is history in the making!"

"You don't know what you're talking about. You never even lived there!" I responded.

"It's not like you were there for very long either." Syln said, obviously growing annoyed at my resistance, "How would you know what to expect?"

"I know enough to tell you that this isn't a good idea." I retorted.

"Look, you left years ago and you've said before that you were too young to remember anything. So how could you know any more than me about Zolan?"

"Because I _was_ there." I growled before I could stop myself, "I saw what they did to our people."

Syln stared at me for a moment, "You were too young to remember anything when you left. That's what you told me before."

I sighed, "I haven't been entirely honest with you." I admitted, "I was there for a longer time than I let on. Long enough to learn that the Zolans can't be changed with diplomacy."

Syln paused for a moment, obviously surprised at the sudden admission. He recovered quickly. "Even if you were there, you can't say you know everything about Zolans." Syln countered, "Clawdites on the planet are barely allowed any contact with them. If I could find a way to talk to them, I'm sure they'd listen."

"Syln, you can't think like that. They've hated us for hundreds of years. A few Clawdites with good intentions isn't going to change any of that."

"And they'll hate us for hundreds of years to come if something isn't changed now." He insisted, "You can come with me to the planet. I'll _show_ you that things can change."

I shuddered at the thought of going back to the planet, "We aren't going back there." I said determinedly, "How could you even think of bringing Sone to that hell hole?"

"Don't you understand?" Syln said, "This is bigger than us, bigger than our entire family! If we get enough support, we can change things. We can prevent millions of other Clawdites from ever facing oppression again!"

"The Zolan's won't give you that chance!" I said, my voice rising with anger, "They don't care about peace!"

"Just give them a chance!" Syln pleaded.

"I gave them a chance!" I snapped, "I spent years with them, pretending to be one of them! I _know_ what happens on that planet and I'm not going back there!"

Syln was silent for a moment, staring at me, shocked, before he spoke. "What do you mean you pretended to be one of them? Don't you know how rare it is for a Clawdite to get away with something like that? The only Clawdite in the last half a century to try that and live was that one girl…"

"Yes, I know." I said, "The one that betrayed the Zolans. And that record still remains."

"Wait, you mean that…" A look of realization slowly crossed his face, "Oh gods." He looked at me with a newfound fear, "But you can't be her!" He protested, "She was a murderer!"

I looked down, "I didn't want to have to tell you. It wasn't safe for you to know." I said quietly, "But now do you understand why we can't go to Zolan? I've been there and it's a lot worse than you think it is. I'm sorry, but you have to change your mind about this, Syln."

Syln stared at me for a few moments longer, the fear in his eyes slowly changing to anger, "I understand why _you_ can't go." Syln said and pushed past me, making his way towards Sone's room.

"What are you doing?" I asked nervously, following him out of the room.

"I'm packing my bags and taking Sone." He said, his back to me, "You can't be trusted with her."

"What? Where are you taking her?" I asked, even though part of me already knew the answer.

"Zolan." He answered, "It's people like you who cause all the conflict there in the first place. I'm going to try and make things right."

I grabbed him by the shoulder, "You can't go back to Zolan, not with Sone. Leave her with me and go alone."

"I'm not leaving my child with a sociopathic killer." Syln hissed.

I flinched at his words and when I spoke again, I sounded almost pleading, "She's _our_ child, Syln." I said, "I know what's best for her. If you take her to Zolan, she'll be oppressed just like me and millions of other Clawdites were. Don't you understand? We're nothing but garbage there! No amount of idealism is going to change that."

"I'm leaving, Zam." Syln said, shrugging my hand off, "And I'm taking Sone with me."

"You can't!" I called after him as he walked down the hall.

"We're going to Zolan without you." Syln replied, "Just stay away from us."

I watched him walk away for a moment, heartbroken. I had just told Syln everything I had kept secret and he had rejected me and was now going to take Sone to that Force-forsaken planet… I couldn't let it happen. I forced myself to ignore my shifting emotions as I rushed into the main room and opened a small, inconspicuous compartment in one of the corners. I had become accustomed to living as a fugitive and I was always prepared for a time when things might go wrong. Not even Syln knew that I kept anything here, which would serve my purposes at the moment. I pulled a small bundle of belongings out of the compartment and quickly unfolded it, revealing a familiar blaster. I grabbed it, checking the ammunition and safety before hurrying into Sone's nursery. Syln was reaching into the crib, just about to grab her.

"Put your hands where I can see them." I said in the coldest voice I could muster, my blaster pointed at my companion's back, "Turn around slowly."

Syln looked up and saw the blaster. He looked up at me, horrified.

"Do as I say!" I commanded, "Get away from her or I blast a hole through your spine." My hand was shaking as I pointed the blaster at my friend. I swallowed and forced myself to think of him as just another mark. He slowly moved away from Sone's crib. I quickly moved between him and the infant. I glanced down into the crib. Sone was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the unfolding drama. I turned back to Syln, "You aren't going back to Zolan. I won't let you take Sone there."

"Are you going to kill me?" Syln asked fearfully.

"I will if you don't listen to me." I said, "You have to stay here, on Denon."

"You're going to force me to stay on Denon? You can't do that!"

"You've heard the stories. I'm a trained assassin and I've killed people I care about before. You wouldn't be any different." I answered. My mind was racing as I struggled to formulate a plan. There was no way I could stay here anymore, not with the way Syln had reacted to my real identity. He'd probably call the authorities on me the first chance he got. I'd have to leave the planet immediately. What about Sone? I couldn't take her with me. It would be much too dangerous.

"You're going to stay on Denon." I said, "You're going to stay on Denon and take care of Sone." Syln swallowed, but didn't say anything. "If you take her to Zolan or I find that you've been mistreating her, I'll track you down and kill you, no matter what planet you're living on." I looked back at my daughter, and I had to fight back a storm of emotion as I thought of leaving her, "I'll be back to check on her." I promised. I tore my gaze away from her and looked back to Syln, "Don't even think of trying anything." I growled, "Tracking people is part of my job and if you even think about going to Zolan, I'll know."

Syln stared at me, completely shocked. Finally, he managed to speak, "You're a monster." He whispered, "A monster."

His words stirred some distant memory and I smiled mirthlessly, "Yeah," I said quietly, "I know." I looked back at Sone, trying to memorize everything about her. I knew I wouldn't be seeing her again anytime soon. I could feel sorrow and shame rising in my chest, but I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. I'd have time for emotion later. Right now, I needed to get out. Keeping my blaster trained on Syln, I moved towards the doorway. He continued to watch me fearfully, not daring to move. I exited the room and rushed down the hall. I picked up my bundle of belongings, which contained my armor, weapons, credits, and enough basic supplies to last me long enough to get off the planet. I had been preparing for an event where I'd be forced off Denon. I never would have believed that Syln would be the cause.

I got on a shuttle off of Denon the first chance I could. As the machine lifted out of the planet's atmosphere and into the cold blackness of space, I could see the planet below, slowly growing smaller in the window. I was struck with the sudden urge to return, to go back to my daughter, my home, my life. I pushed the foolish thoughts away. It wasn't the first time I had lost everything and I had rebuilt my life before. I knew I could do it again.


End file.
